999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Arthur Conan Doyle

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
James Thurber

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Michael J. Fox

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
Bob Hope