999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Marcelene Cox

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
E. B. White

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger