999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings