999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter