999 Quotes Regarding Funny


This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken

My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.
Hesiod