999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz