17 Quotes By Emo Philips


I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips on alone

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips on computers

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips on family

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips on forgiveness

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips on funny

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips on funny

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips on funny

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips on good

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips on good

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips on humor

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips on men

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips on money

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips on morning

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips on morning

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips on smile

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips on women

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips on work