A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. Albert Einstein