26 Quotes By Henny Youngman


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman on anniversary

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman on anniversary

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman on car

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman on car

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
Henny Youngman on dad

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman on funny

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman on funny

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman on graduation

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman on great

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman on happiness

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman on home

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman on love

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman on marriage

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman on marriage

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman on marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman on marriage

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman on medical

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman on money

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman on money

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman on morning