999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
Roy Orbison

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan P. Smith

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Don Marquis

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon