All 78,476 Quotes

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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres on funny

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead on funny

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher on funny

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black on funny

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld on funny

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley on funny

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin on funny

You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball on funny

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland on funny

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben on funny

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis on funny

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen on funny

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson on funny

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton on funny

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright on funny

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips on funny

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno on funny

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin on funny

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly on funny

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle on funny