All 78,476 Quotes

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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan on funny

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton on funny

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken on funny

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel on funny

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis on funny

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller on funny

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan on funny

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite on funny

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon on funny

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner on funny

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire on funny

The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White on funny

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone on funny

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger on funny

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner on funny

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo on funny

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
Logan P. Smith on funny

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry on funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg on funny