All 78,476 Quotes

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Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck on funny

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell on funny

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams on funny

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan on funny

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright on funny

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner on funny

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra on funny

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields on funny

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby on funny

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett on funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg on funny

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright on funny

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin on funny

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips on funny

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks on funny

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney on funny

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos on funny

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller on funny

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz on funny

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings on funny