Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. Joey Adams on funny
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' Claude Pepper on funny
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin on funny
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West on funny
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle on funny
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams on funny
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx on funny
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra on funny
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers on funny
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen on funny
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain on funny
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns on funny
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx on funny
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. Red Skelton on funny
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx on funny
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright on funny
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter on funny
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg on funny
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. Ronald Reagan on funny
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman on funny