All 78,476 Quotes

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin on funny

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright on funny

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld on funny

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby on funny

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin on funny

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford on funny

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel on funny

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan on funny

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields on funny

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg on funny

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead on funny

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain on funny

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood on funny

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen on funny

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell on funny

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke on funny

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
Winston Churchill on funny

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins on funny

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck on funny