All 78,476 Quotes

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Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers on funny

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock on funny

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter on funny

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn on funny

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx on funny

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin on funny

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan on funny

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger on funny

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers on funny

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams on funny

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis on funny

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle on funny

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly on funny

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis on funny

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant on funny

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben on funny

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis on funny

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger on funny

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck on funny