Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. Billy Connolly on alone
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day. Billy Connolly on car
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Billy Connolly on funny
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly on funny
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. Billy Connolly on imagination
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. Billy Connolly on marriage
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. Billy Connolly on pet
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time. Billy Connolly on time
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. Billy Connolly on trust