All 78,476 Quotes

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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke on funny

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth on funny

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood on funny

He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor on funny

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright on funny

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge on funny

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright on funny

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman on funny

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin on funny

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell on funny

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg on funny

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken on funny

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields on funny

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld on funny

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra on funny

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke on funny

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope on funny

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers on funny

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine on funny

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers on funny