All 78,476 Quotes

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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter on funny

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover on funny

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin on funny

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers on funny

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen on funny

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells on funny

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers on funny

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken on funny

My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl on funny

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher on funny

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen on funny

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry on funny

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns on funny

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger on funny

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz on funny

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White on funny

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz on funny

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley on funny

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.
Hesiod on funny

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James on funny