All 78,476 Quotes

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If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Marcelene Cox on funny

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin on funny

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne on funny

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke on funny

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields on funny

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen on funny

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres on funny

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen on funny

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette on funny

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis on funny

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn on funny

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler on funny

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen on funny

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope on funny

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
E. B. White on funny

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin on funny

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams on funny

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno on funny

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger on funny

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson on funny