All 78,476 Quotes

---

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant on funny

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler on funny

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem on funny

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison on funny

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns on funny

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers on funny

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz on funny

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith on funny

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson on funny

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns on funny

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry on funny

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner on funny

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock on funny

Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce on funny

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller on funny

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen on funny

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black on funny

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles on funny

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings on funny

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London on funny