All 78,476 Quotes

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I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde on funny

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan on funny

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis on funny

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London on funny

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom on funny

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan P. Smith on funny

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan on funny

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler on funny

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Don Marquis on funny

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London on funny

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce on funny

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley on funny

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke on funny

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen on funny

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman on funny

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman on funny

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis on funny

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde on funny

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon on funny

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson on funny