All 78,476 Quotes

---

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan on funny

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld on funny

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber on funny

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman on funny

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen on funny

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz on funny

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry on funny

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps on funny

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman on funny

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns on funny

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner on funny

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings on funny

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers on funny

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips on funny

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin on funny

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks on funny

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings on funny

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson on funny

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter on funny

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Rita Rudner on funny