All 78,476 Quotes

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When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner on funny

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Arthur Conan Doyle on funny

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone on funny

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite on funny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny on funny

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller on funny

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas on funny

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante on funny

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis on funny

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler on funny

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley on funny

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard on funny

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
James Thurber on funny

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford on funny

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore on funny

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard on funny

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Michael J. Fox on funny

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith on funny

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
Bob Hope on funny

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
Roy Orbison on funny