999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Claude Pepper

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan