Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg on amazing
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg on birthday
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg on business
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg on car
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg on cool
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg on dating
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg on dreams
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg on food
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg on funny
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg on funny
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg on funny
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg on funny
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg on funny
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg on funny
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg on funny
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg on good
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg on good
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg on good
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. Mitch Hedberg on good
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg on great