999 Quotes Regarding Funny

---

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger