999 Quotes Regarding Funny

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There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine