40 Quotes By Steven Wright

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How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright on age

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright on birthday

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright on birthday

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright on car

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright on car

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright on car

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright on car

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright on car

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright on car

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright on funny

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright on funny

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright on funny

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright on funny

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright on funny

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright on funny

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright on future

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright on god

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright on god

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright on good

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright on good