Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright on great
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright on home
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright on humor
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright on legal
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright on life
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' Steven Wright on money
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright on morning
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright on pet
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Steven Wright on pet
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven Wright on poetry
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Steven Wright on power
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright on science
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright on time
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright on time
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright on time
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. Steven Wright on time
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. Steven Wright on time
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright on time
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright on work
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. Steven Wright on animals