When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield on medical
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. Rodney Dangerfield on men
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield on morning
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield on morning
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield on pet
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield on pet
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield on pet
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield on respect
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield on respect
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield on sports
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield on time
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield on time
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield on time
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield on truth