Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner on men
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. Rita Rudner on men
My Vegas act is how I make my money. Rita Rudner on money
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. Rita Rudner on movingon
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Rita Rudner on parenting
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner on pet
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner on pet
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. Rita Rudner on relationship
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. Rita Rudner on respect
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner on success
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Rita Rudner on war
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. Rita Rudner on women
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Rita Rudner on women
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Rita Rudner on women
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Rita Rudner on women