I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg on life
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. Mitch Hedberg on love
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg on morning
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg on time
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg on time
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg on time
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg on women
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg on work
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg on work