Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers on history
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers on life
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers on money
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan Rivers on respect
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan Rivers on thankful
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers on time
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers on war
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers on wisdom
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care. Joan Rivers on work
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers on work
I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963. Joan Rivers on age