A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx on medical
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx on morning
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx on music
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx on politics
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. Groucho Marx on politics
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx on power
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. Groucho Marx on relationship
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx on time
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx on time
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. Groucho Marx on time
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. Groucho Marx on time
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx on time
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx on wedding
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx on wedding
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx on women
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx on women
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx on women
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx on age
A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx on age
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Groucho Marx on success