Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck on marriage
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck on medical
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. Erma Bombeck on medical
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? Erma Bombeck on men
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. Erma Bombeck on mom
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. Erma Bombeck on mom
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. Erma Bombeck on morning
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck on parenting
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Erma Bombeck on politics
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Erma Bombeck on religion
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. Erma Bombeck on society
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. Erma Bombeck on society
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Erma Bombeck on sports
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. Erma Bombeck on strength
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other. Erma Bombeck on success
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. Erma Bombeck on time
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. Erma Bombeck on time
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Erma Bombeck on time
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. Erma Bombeck on time
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. Erma Bombeck on wedding