I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' Demetri Martin on alone
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' Demetri Martin on alone
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin on birthday
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. Demetri Martin on car
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Demetri Martin on cool
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. Demetri Martin on dreams
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Demetri Martin on food
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Demetri Martin on freedom
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin on funny
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin on funny
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin on funny
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. Demetri Martin on funny
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. Demetri Martin on funny
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. Demetri Martin on funny
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. Demetri Martin on funny
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin on good
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. Demetri Martin on government
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin on great
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. Demetri Martin on history
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' Demetri Martin on home