31 Quotes By Joan Rivers

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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers on beauty

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers on best

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
Joan Rivers on business

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers on diet

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers on fitness

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers on food

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers on funny

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers on funny

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers on funny

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers on funny

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers on funny

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers on god

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers on god

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers on god

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers on god

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers on god

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers on good

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers on good

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers on happiness

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers on history