We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. Fred Allen on age
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. Fred Allen on business
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. Fred Allen on dad
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. Fred Allen on failure
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen on family
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. Fred Allen on fear
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen on funny
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen on funny
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen on funny
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen on funny
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. Fred Allen on funny
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen on graduation
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. Fred Allen on history
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. Fred Allen on humor
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen on religion
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. Fred Allen on success
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. Fred Allen on technology
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen on time
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen on time
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen on valentines day