34 Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield


I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield on age

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield on best

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield on birthday

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield on car

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield on family

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield on family

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield on food

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield on funny

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield on god

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield on good

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield on home

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield on home

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield on hope

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield on jealousy

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield on life

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield on marriage

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield on marriage

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield on marriage